Realizing I Can Do Hard Things. The Hard Way.

Wow! Its been forever. My poor neglected blog.

I have thought about blogging a lot during my 2 year hiatus. But there just was never enough time or energy at the end of the day.

And...well...I was suffering inside. And I didn't want anyone to know it.

The past two years have been some of the hardest days of my life. That is no joke. I feel like I have been in survival mode trying to make it through each hour for 730 days. With Evan being in residency, I have had to learn how to be a mom that does everything. My husband was just not home and when he was, he was tired, stressed and all he wanted to do was sleep. Because well doctors never sleep when at work...even when they pull a 32 hour shift.

For these past 2 years, I've struggled. I've fought depression. I've felt lonely. I've been angry. Honestly, all my reserves were empty. I was running on fumes. No one knew what I was dealing with and the pain I felt inside. It makes my heart ache just reflecting on it. I often thought...no one could possibly understand because they have never done this. They don't know what it's like to have a husband in residency, to be in medical debt and have four kids (two of which are twins). With all of this came a tremendous burden...a stress I have never experienced or could have imagined. I struggled with my weight and self-image during this time. And eventually I turned bitter.

I missed my husband. I just wanted him home and well rested. I wanted a normal family life and an 8-5 job. I had many offer to help...but really the help I wanted was just him. I longed for the comfort and strength he brings me when we're together. And I do believe that this was something I had to learn...and boy, was it HARD. I couldn't lean on him. It just wasn't possible with all he was having to deal with. I had to learn to lean on the Lord and the help He would send me. I had to find comfort through my Heavenly Father and from reading the scriptures. And by doing so, I could be a better wife. A better supporter. A stronger mother. A nurturing mom. A better person. It was then that I realized...this is our life! It's not normal. We have chosen this. It's far from easy. And I have to move past all these stumbling blocks and make the most out of it...for the happiness of myself, my husband, and my sweet children. I am a wife and a mother. I'm the ONE and the ONLY one that is going to keep our family going and together. This is the only way we are not going to crumble. I have to be strong! The realization part was easy, but putting it into action was my hardest battle.

And 730 days later, I believe that I am finally finding my way out of this darkness. I did a lot of soul searching. Pondering. Praying. Crying. And continue to do all those things. It is only because I have chosen to go about it the right way...the ONLY WAY...that I have made it through it all. With the help and strength of my Savior, Jesus Christ.

And so with that said...I have a new year. A new start. And while my husband begins a difficult rotation (trauma...the one that just about broke me last year), I feel like this is a second chance...I CAN do this! BUT only through the help of a loving Savior.

......

I know it's not going to be easy. It never is. I still struggle...everyday actually. I have found strength and comfort in the tender mercy I was given today. I know that Heavenly Father is very much aware of me, my worries, my hopes and desires. As He is with all of us. While talking on the phone to my sister, Heavenly Father spoke to me through her. I'm sure she has no idea the impact her tender words had on me. But I felt an overwhelming amount of love. I felt peace and it brought me much comfort. And that was all I needed to get through another day. This FIRST day of a truly trying time.

Tomorrow is a new one...full of so much opportunity to do good.

Here's to much more blogging in 2014!

forget dishes.

I'd much rather have a sink full of these babies any day!

aren't they adorable??

yep. they are.

and i love me some naked-ness

 baby nakedness that is

and i would much rather bathe babies all day.

i'd take a sink full of babies over dishes any day. i hate dishes. well...a sink full of dishes that is. it's painful to my eyes. only b/c i know that there's work to be done.

and it's never-ending!

each.and.every.minute.of.the.day.

Enjoy these pics while i go clean up...can u guess?? DISHES.

dumb and dumber

so yesterday i had the burning desire to paint our garage

out of nowhere

i just up and decided to buy some paint and paint the garage...of ALL PLACES. but i just can't look at the walls anymore...all unfinished and ugly. i was going to put the boys to work painting...but decided that might give me a heart attack (PAINT + TWO BOYS = HUGE DISASTER)...so i convinced them to ride bikes instead. you'll have to excuse their naked-ness...i had them strip-down in order paint. and i am slightly white trash, i suppose, for letting my children play outside in such nudity. thank goodness we only have ONE neighbor at the moment. i say...let them think what they want. any who...i took a break only to find these TWO doing what they do best...being hilarious! or at least i think so. there's never a dull moment around here.

and just b/c i like looking back...remember THIS wordless wednesday?

i wuv him.

the past two days have been all about this boy

THE SHADLE

between the girls and brampton...i feel like his needs are often overlooked.

and i am not ok with that

i want him to feel like he is special and loved just as much as his siblings

i want him to know that i recognize his presence all the time

and i want to fill him full of praises

most days, i feel like he is just screaming for attention

because well...lets face it...i struggle meeting every one's needs around here

it's true.

he acts out more and does not listen to me when i'm too busy for him or too busy to do something about his behavior

......

SO...i've made him my focus and priority. and OH the DIFFERENCE it has made.

he has been much more obedient...which is HUGE for this little 3 year old

we've hit a naughty stage...and i'm hoping both he and i make it through this together

......

during the past two days our focus has also been POTTY TRAINING...yes, again. it's never ending. remember this post? that didn't last long. BUT i think it has finally 'clicked' (crossing my fingers). and i am just beyond thrilled for him!! and he is too...but doesn't like to show it. he has been dry and has had no accidents. ahh...to think...my days of changing 'cardston's man poops' are almost over.

pay pay steps.

in true stout fashion, payton has begun taking steps!

brampton and cardston both started walking at about 14 months...and pay pay is following in their footsteps, literally.

 Brooklynn on the other hand...well...is brooki. shes got her own agenda. all in due time i suppose. but i'm thinking she'll start here soon...

life with twins is about to get a little easier (i think)...no more carrying two babies at once.

a love note.

honestly, it doesn't get any better than this!

my first little love note from brampton. and look at the cute little heart he included. he's the sweetest.

have i mentioned lately, that i love him??

or that i love being a mom?

i do.

it's hard. very hard. and i struggle with it every day.

BUT...i wouldn't want to be doing anything else.

I love being a stay at home mom.

and i'm so grateful that i am able to do so.

welcoming spring with open arms!

 would you believe me if i said that we're already swimming?? yep. we are. well sort of. we broke out the pool last weekend. and today...get this...it's going to reach 90 degrees. talk about a little too warm for April 1st. but that's just my opinion.

evan has been doing his general surgery rotation this past month. not my favorite. only b/c he's on call every 4th night (i've been one lonely momma)...and let me just enlighten you all...that means that he goes into work at 5:00 pm and is there working all.night.long. no rest. and does not return until 11:00 am-12:00 pm the next day. count it. 18 hours. that's a long time! not to mention that he never sleeps before he goes in...not exactly sure how he does it...but he does! this guy continues to amaze me everyday. i on the other hand cannot go without at least 8 hours of sleep. well. ok i can, but that's when i turn ugly. ANYWAYS...on this day evan was sleeping (hence the long explanation) and so we tried to let him rest by playing outside. after about an hour of riding bikes it was decided by their bright red faces and sweaty hair that it was time! swimming season has begun...well for them.

 my curious little payton. she loved dipping her hands in the water.

and then sucking the water off her hands. yucko i know. but when you've got four kids...two of which are boys and two are twins...you can't control everything that happens. i've learned to chill out a bit. maybe...hopefully. 

 and then there was more.

 and more! honestly...she's the cutest thing ever.

cardston had to join in on the fun too with a little bit of splashing

 which brings a smile to payton's face (most of the time)...she loves her brothers!

can't you tell!

Yay for spring...or if you're in texas, summer.

and hopefully (cross your fingers), yay to better work hours. we're ready to be on a normal schedule!!

Requested Videos.

Aunt Jum...these are for you (and anyone else that wants to watch 'em)! taken this morning actually.

showin' off

i LOVE the stage the girls are at right now! they are making connections...beginning to understand and listening to directions...very much aware of one another and each other's feelings...and just plain silly girls.
i'm absolutely lovin' it.

i also LOVE that i have girls and am able to buy the CUTE girly baby leggings (although i'll have you know that hobby lobby sells knock-offs for 4.99...throw in a coupon and that's a steal of a deal...especially when buying for TWO).

if only that look was as cute on big girls. i'd have myself a collection too.

to you.

yes, you! we love you.

happy LOVE day to you, our blog reader!

(and don't be afraid to comment...even if we don't know you. we love comments)