Wow! Its been forever. My poor neglected blog.
I have thought about blogging a lot during my 2 year hiatus. But there just was never enough time or energy at the end of the day.
And...well...I was suffering inside. And I didn't want anyone to know it.
The past two years have been some of the hardest days of my life. That is no joke. I feel like I have been in survival mode trying to make it through each hour for 730 days. With Evan being in residency, I have had to learn how to be a mom that does everything. My husband was just not home and when he was, he was tired, stressed and all he wanted to do was sleep. Because well doctors never sleep when at work...even when they pull a 32 hour shift.
For these past 2 years, I've struggled. I've fought depression. I've felt lonely. I've been angry. Honestly, all my reserves were empty. I was running on fumes. No one knew what I was dealing with and the pain I felt inside. It makes my heart ache just reflecting on it. I often thought...no one could possibly understand because they have never done this. They don't know what it's like to have a husband in residency, to be in medical debt and have four kids (two of which are twins). With all of this came a tremendous burden...a stress I have never experienced or could have imagined. I struggled with my weight and self-image during this time. And eventually I turned bitter.
I missed my husband. I just wanted him home and well rested. I wanted a normal family life and an 8-5 job. I had many offer to help...but really the help I wanted was just him. I longed for the comfort and strength he brings me when we're together. And I do believe that this was something I had to learn...and boy, was it HARD. I couldn't lean on him. It just wasn't possible with all he was having to deal with. I had to learn to lean on the Lord and the help He would send me. I had to find comfort through my Heavenly Father and from reading the scriptures. And by doing so, I could be a better wife. A better supporter. A stronger mother. A nurturing mom. A better person. It was then that I realized...this is our life! It's not normal. We have chosen this. It's far from easy. And I have to move past all these stumbling blocks and make the most out of it...for the happiness of myself, my husband, and my sweet children. I am a wife and a mother. I'm the ONE and the ONLY one that is going to keep our family going and together. This is the only way we are not going to crumble. I have to be strong! The realization part was easy, but putting it into action was my hardest battle.
And 730 days later, I believe that I am finally finding my way out of this darkness. I did a lot of soul searching. Pondering. Praying. Crying. And continue to do all those things. It is only because I have chosen to go about it the right way...the ONLY WAY...that I have made it through it all. With the help and strength of my Savior, Jesus Christ.
And so with that said...I have a new year. A new start. And while my husband begins a difficult rotation (trauma...the one that just about broke me last year), I feel like this is a second chance...I CAN do this! BUT only through the help of a loving Savior.
......
I know it's not going to be easy. It never is. I still struggle...everyday actually. I have found strength and comfort in the tender mercy I was given today. I know that Heavenly Father is very much aware of me, my worries, my hopes and desires. As He is with all of us. While talking on the phone to my sister, Heavenly Father spoke to me through her. I'm sure she has no idea the impact her tender words had on me. But I felt an overwhelming amount of love. I felt peace and it brought me much comfort. And that was all I needed to get through another day. This FIRST day of a truly trying time.
Tomorrow is a new one...full of so much opportunity to do good.
Here's to much more blogging in 2014!
