Wow! Its been forever. My poor neglected blog.
I have thought about blogging a lot during my 2 year hiatus. But there just was never enough time or energy at the end of the day.
And...well...I was suffering inside. And I didn't want anyone to know it.
The past two years have been some of the hardest days of my life. That is no joke. I feel like I have been in survival mode trying to make it through each hour for 730 days. With Evan being in residency, I have had to learn how to be a mom that does everything. My husband was just not home and when he was, he was tired, stressed and all he wanted to do was sleep. Because well doctors never sleep when at work...even when they pull a 32 hour shift.
For these past 2 years, I've struggled. I've fought depression. I've felt lonely. I've been angry. Honestly, all my reserves were empty. I was running on fumes. No one knew what I was dealing with and the pain I felt inside. It makes my heart ache just reflecting on it. I often thought...no one could possibly understand because they have never done this. They don't know what it's like to have a husband in residency, to be in medical debt and have four kids (two of which are twins). With all of this came a tremendous burden...a stress I have never experienced or could have imagined. I struggled with my weight and self-image during this time. And eventually I turned bitter.
I missed my husband. I just wanted him home and well rested. I wanted a normal family life and an 8-5 job. I had many offer to help...but really the help I wanted was just him. I longed for the comfort and strength he brings me when we're together. And I do believe that this was something I had to learn...and boy, was it HARD. I couldn't lean on him. It just wasn't possible with all he was having to deal with. I had to learn to lean on the Lord and the help He would send me. I had to find comfort through my Heavenly Father and from reading the scriptures. And by doing so, I could be a better wife. A better supporter. A stronger mother. A nurturing mom. A better person. It was then that I realized...this is our life! It's not normal. We have chosen this. It's far from easy. And I have to move past all these stumbling blocks and make the most out of it...for the happiness of myself, my husband, and my sweet children. I am a wife and a mother. I'm the ONE and the ONLY one that is going to keep our family going and together. This is the only way we are not going to crumble. I have to be strong! The realization part was easy, but putting it into action was my hardest battle.
And 730 days later, I believe that I am finally finding my way out of this darkness. I did a lot of soul searching. Pondering. Praying. Crying. And continue to do all those things. It is only because I have chosen to go about it the right way...the ONLY WAY...that I have made it through it all. With the help and strength of my Savior, Jesus Christ.
And so with that said...I have a new year. A new start. And while my husband begins a difficult rotation (trauma...the one that just about broke me last year), I feel like this is a second chance...I CAN do this! BUT only through the help of a loving Savior.
......
I know it's not going to be easy. It never is. I still struggle...everyday actually. I have found strength and comfort in the tender mercy I was given today. I know that Heavenly Father is very much aware of me, my worries, my hopes and desires. As He is with all of us. While talking on the phone to my sister, Heavenly Father spoke to me through her. I'm sure she has no idea the impact her tender words had on me. But I felt an overwhelming amount of love. I felt peace and it brought me much comfort. And that was all I needed to get through another day. This FIRST day of a truly trying time.
Tomorrow is a new one...full of so much opportunity to do good.
Here's to much more blogging in 2014!
10 comments:
Stephanie, I honestly don't know how you've made it through all of this...and you have more to go! I think you are such a strong person. I have felt some of what you are feeling (although I only have two and you have TWINS and your husband is never home) because I have been suffering from depression off and on since I found out I was pregnant with Lily - all hormonally related, I believe. I thought I would get better once Lily was older, but then I found out I was pregnant again, and it all started coming back. Then, I lost the baby at 19 weeks, and I think I'm going through post-partum again. These last 2 years have impacted me, my children, and my marriage more than I ever thought possible. I think you are so brave to share this and I know you're going to make it through because of your faith and reliance on the Savior. You give me hope! Thank you so much for sharing this. Good luck and I'm always here for you even if we're far away in Mexico:)
So glad you're back. I can't wait to see some more pictures of your kids.
Thanks for sharing about your difficulties too...and your way through them. It's a good reminder for where I can lean for more strength!
Stephanie, you are amazing! I complain and yet I only have 2 kids and my husband's residency is not as hard as yours. Anyway, you were very brave to share this. Thanks! I need to implement some of what you're saying too!
I love you. I know your struggles have not been easy and you are one amazing mama...and role model for your adult friends. xoxo
I was just updating mine when I saw you posted something new..I am so glad you wrote this. I felt a lump in my throat reading because I have felt that exact same way at times. Although you have it much harder!!!! You really are a great example and if I know that there is just one mom out there who feels a glimpse of what I feel it gives me such hope...so thank you!
Holy Moly I am so Glad you updated!! I always love to hear your words no matter how difficult they are to write. You are A. MAZ. ING. And inspiring. I know to a certain extent how you feel, its no fun, hard and depressning. I feel this way a lot when Seths gone for weeks at a time. Its hard to be strong for so long. You are a great example to us all. I love you Friend. You know I am always here for you. Especially during his next rotation :)
I'm so glad people actually still checkout our blog! :) Thanks to all of you...Melissa, Emilie, Stormie, Andi, Codee, and Lacey! You are some of the finest women I know! And I appreciate your comments. I am both humbled and honored by your kind words to me. I know I'm not the only one... we all struggle and have very trying times in this mortal journey. Thank goodness for good friends that can lift us up in so many ways! Melissa I had no idea you lost your baby! Prayers your way during such a difficult time for you and your family!!! I love you. I pray that strength, comfort, and joy will be sent your way.
I'm so glad you're back too! Please keep posting! And you are super woman! I can't even imagine going through so much like you have--and that doesn't even include "extra" things that come up besides the residency and 4 kids and normal everyday challenges. I'm so glad you are my friend!
Stephanie, YOU ARE AMAZING!!! While your days seem dark and never ending, you are making a difference in your world every time you get up and hit another day. Your family adores you. I adore you. You are creative, organized, witty, fun, spiritual and STRONG!!! What a great example you are of being able to hang in there through thick and thin. Keep up the good work. And it is work!!! Before you know it, your kids will be grown and gone and you will be bored!!! xxoo
This post made me cry! I have felt very similar feelings the past few years too. I'm here for you!!! I know I'm not as awesome as Evan is, but I at least share his genetics! Ha ha. Love you!!!
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