The Musings of a Family Man Turned Single

There is the timely old adage that you don’t know what you have until it’s gone. However true that may be, that is not the source of the potent emotional pain that having my family leave has inflicted me with. No, instead I am infected by what seems to be the equally troubling stepbrother of that regretful emotion; The notion that you know what you have, but once it is gone you realize how very little you let what you have know how very much it means to you. No, I take that back. I have not been infected by it, for that would mean that it is an acute problem. Instead, I suppose with me that it has been a congenital problem.

Robert Louis Stevenson once said: “You cannot run away from weakness; you must some time fight it out or perish; and if that be so, why not now, and where you stand?” I have felt recently that now is the time for me to conquer my weakness in providing validation to those that mean the most to me. Perhaps it has taken me this long to suit up for the battle because I have been able to hide amongst the multitudes in our society that suffers from the same condition. If I can blend in with the rest of the weaklings, then I can subconsciously believe that it really isn’t a weakness at all. Life’s experiences have a way of exposing us though, and this recent loss of my wife and two sons for a few days have left me with a feeling of being all alone in a crowd and brought me face to face with my hopes of doing better at expressing my emotions, appreciation, and validating love with my wife, children, family, and friends.

I want to express my love for my wife Stephanie. Sure, I tell her I love her in person, but anytime I attempt to really express my deep emotion for her, I can’t look her in the eyes and I start to speak in this funny voice as if I am auditioning for a Muppet’s movie (OK, maybe it’s not that bad, but I have always been amazed at how uncomfortable it sometimes is for me to express my raw emotions face to face). It’s even worse on the phone, which is one reason why I have decided to use the written word as my medium for my message. I came across this song today (She is Love) by a group named Parachute, and I have listened to it on repeat all day, and it sums up my current emotion about Stephanie. I sure have put her through a lot as we have chased my dream together. She has made my dream her own, and sacrificed so much for me and for our little family. I have become so much more because of her because of what she expects me to be.

I’m not too sure who my audience is in writing this. I feel as if I have written this to myself, and the only reason for posting it on a blog is to sort of a publish it, or make it real to me. Then I can’t deny that I ever thought it or felt it, and it officially becomes apart of me. Isn’t it funny how when we have these intimate feelings and ideas, they only become real after we share them with someone? Until then they are just internal thoughts that can be suppressed, confused, or forgotten.

Tomorrow is a new day. Take the chance to sincerely validate someone that is close to you. It is actually quite refreshing and therapeutic, and perhaps more people will catch the fever and we will become a society that is much more comfortable letting people know how much they really mean to us.

Alright, the thunderstorm has stopped in my head. Perhaps now I can get some sleep.